Beyond Broken X

That final night with Ade left me in a really dark place. Each day, I felt like a block of ice falling through a pitch-black abyss with no end in sight. I was always just so tired. I wasn’t sure what was worse; the fact that he was alive somewhere, living peacefully and there was virtually nothing I could do to stop it or the fact that I didn’t feel like needed to.

I also felt extremely guilty for allowing myself to continue leeching off of Ruth. Even though she never mentioned it, I knew her relationship was deteriorating because she was spending more time worrying about me than she was spending time with her boyfriend. He’s a nice guy but, no one likes being made to feel like second place, especially by the person they always put first.

After about a week I realised I wasn’t getting any better. My small rock climbs of progress were always diminished back by great landslides of relapse. So, I decided to seek professional help, luckily for me I had a friend who was a therapist. I took a short drive to her clinic all the while thinking of ways I could reduce the cost of her sessions. Hopefully, she has a student discount or something.

Upon arriving at her practice, the receptionist informed me she was running a bit late and directed me to waiting room. At the waiting room, there was only one other person waiting to see her. Business must be slow. His head was buried in his laptop, so he didn’t seem to notice me sitting a couple chairs away from him. I don’t know why he needs help so I’m not taking any chances. I don’t want to be sitting next to Ade two point zero. Although, he did look slightly familiar.

I continued staring at him till he finally took his face out his laptop to pick up his phone. At moment, he must’ve felt my gaze on him and instantly turned towards my direction. I immediately turned away and pretended to be making a phone call but gave up the act the moment he called my name “Chidinma? I mean…Ms Chidinma. That’s you…isn’t it?” he said in a vaguely familiar voice. Where do I know this guy from? “I’m sorry but, do I know you from somewhere?” I said in a curious tone.

He immediately set his laptop and phone aside and then rushed to sit next to me. “it’s me, Simon. I was the jumper. You saved my life Chidinma!” he said while smiling like he was talking to a childhood friend. I gestured my hand to shake his, for proper introductions “I do remember you. it’s nice to see you-” but he caught me off guard with a wide hug. It was abrupt and felt weirdly positioned, but it also felt really gentle and warm.

“I’m sorry, I just felt like that was something I just had to do. I hope you’re not mad” he said clasping his hands together expecting to be reprimanded. The more he spoke the more I realised how young he was, he looked only a few years older than I was. Plus, he had this boyish charm to him. When he was about to jump, he looked stressed and pale in comparison to how full of life he seemed right now. “No, it’s fine. Are you waiting to see the person I recommended?” I said while taking in the energy he was radiating. “yeah I am, but it doesn’t look she’ll show up today. Why are you here?” he asked. I felt like I was a hero in his eyes, so to maintain the façade, I needed to twist the truth “I’m just here for some personal business. Can’t really talk about it. But I think you’re right. I’ve never known her to be late, so if she isn’t here by now, she must not be coming in today.” I said while beginning to pack my stuff. “Seeing as we’re both free, would you give me a proper opportunity to thank you for saving my life? Maybe let me buy you dinner or something?” Is he asking me out? I found the thought silly, I thought about turning him down, but it was a good excuse to get out of the house and make Ruth less worried. “sure, here’s my number. I’m looking forward to it.”

I spent more time than I expected getting ready, it’d been so long since I was on an actual date. I was always too busy with school, or something else for social events or gatherings. I arrived a bit late, but he greeted me with a smile either way. It was an expensive restaurant, not somewhere I’d usually find myself.

“what kept you so long? Were there any other jumpers that needed saving?” his sarcasm was refreshing, it’d been sometime since I didn’t have to be the one to instigate it, so it felt good being the one to play along.

“oh well, you know how it is. If you come across one, there’s probably a whole colony somewhere, just waiting to disembark. It’s probably something in the water” I was worried I took it too far by likening his suicide attempt to a nest of cockroaches.

“You’re probably right. But it does feel good to be the one you came across. You look amazing by the way” I was quite shocked how much of a one eighty he had made. A couple of days ago he was a blubbering mess, but now he seemed brimming with confidence.

We spent the rest of that night talking about nothing and yet talking about everything. But my experience with Ade still fogged up any form of chemistry we might have had. After a while he took notice to it and asked. “Is there something on your mind?”.

Although I knew very well there was no way he’d resolve every question bubbling within me, I believed that this new Simon I was spending my night would somehow make things easier for me. “Something happened. Like, something really bad happened, and it left me feeling…well, sort of inverted. I’m not sure what’s good or bad anymore. Or if there’s even a point to having a good and bad”. He patiently waited for me to finish, then held my hand and said.

“I understand. Trust me on this, I really do. In the corporate world, you get to see a lot of things. How money controls, how it has this…hold on people. You start to feel that as long as it gets you more money, anything you do is fine. But, one day, life hits you. it hits hard. And you lose all the money, and all the morally reprehensible things you’ve done to get it, start to come back to haunt you. And you realise how blind to reality you really were. Because although good and bad actions might not really exist in themselves, which makes them easy to ignore. The effects your actions have on people is as real as being real gets.” With the way he spoke I knew he was talking about what he went through, and I was right. What he said didn’t really solve all the questions I had, but it did make a lot of things easier.

“I’m really glad I met you Simon”

“I’m glad I met you too Chidinma”

(Ending One)

Ten of years after that night we started seeing more and more of each other and ended up getting married. I helped him out of his dark place, and he helped me out of mine. I was finally able to complete my thesis, but I took out anything involving Ade. That was a closed chapter in my life that I never wanted to relive.

Even though it wasn’t as revolutionary as I wanted it to be, my thesis earned me a lot of respect within the psychiatric community. I began doing interactive sessions around the world with different professionals on the subject. It eventually led me back to my home country, Nigeria where I was invited to give a lecture in a series of academic seminars. The event was organised by someone who wished to remain anonymous and used the proceeds for numerous non-profit scholarship programs. It felt good to be giving back to where I was from.

I always got so tired after each lecture, so I managed to sneak away into a reserved reception but was later caught by one of my Co-speakers “Mrs. Chidinma, I’m very sorry to disturb you but the organiser of the event would love to meet you. He says you know each other.” I couldn’t remember having such an influential friend, but I was slightly intrigued as to who he might be. “Sigh. I’m really tired but you can let him in”

“Thank you very much Mrs. Chidinma. He said he won’t waste your time. I’ll leave the both of you to catch up”. He stepped out and an elderly man walked in. I didn’t recognise him at first, but once he attempted to introduce himself, I knew exactly who he was. My feet felt light and my hands heavy as I rushed towards him with a solid right hook that knocked him to the ground. I kneeled on top of him, pressed my knee against his chest, ready to continue a barrage of attacks. He was old and slow. This was as good of an opportunity as ever. But before I could continue, I heard my co-speaker from outside the door “Is everything alright in there?” but Ade replied before I could “Everything’s fine, I just slipped, my joints aren’t what they used to be. Chidinma is helping me up”. he then looked me and smiled eerily.

“Now I know you’re excited to see me. But this really isn’t the best place to be showing such affection. Think about the life you’ve created, crumbling away. All because of some petty disagreement we once had in the past” Although I had stopped my attacks, I wasn’t going to let my guard down. I eased off some of my weight from his chest so he could speak clearly.

“If you make any suspicious movements, I’ll kill you. Why are you here Ade? What do you want with me?” I wasn’t boiling. Emotion wasn’t compelling me to speak its mind. What I felt was a complete surety. If to opportunity presented itself, I wouldn’t think twice about it. it’d be simple cause and effect.

“You have the same eyes I do” I did, but it didn’t change anything. “but that’s not why I’m here”

“Why are you here?” there was a lot of control in my voice. It frightened me a little, but it didn’t seem to faze Ade. He still looked like he was holding all the cards. He had done surgery to make him appear younger and look a bit different, but the emptiness and coldness of his eyes and smile gave him away. As if they were made of wood and carved on his face for him.

“I just wanted to know…Why did you leave me out of your thesis? Don’t get me wrong I’m not offended by it. I doubt you would’ve done any real justice to my psyche. And I definitely don’t need my name being blown up. but I just have to know…why?”

“You want to know the truth? Well, the truth is I agree with you about one thing. Good and bad not really existing. It’s true, they don’t, we more or less just agree as humans what we think is best. But morality isn’t just a social construct we’ve created to help us feel good about ourselves. it’s a driving force that helps make life better for everyone to live. And, everything does have meaning. We’re the ones that give meaning to our actions, and to our lives. Once I realised that, I decided I wasn’t going to center my thesis around a person used his actions to bring pain simply because he found it entertaining.” It felt good getting all of this off of my chest, like heavy fog dissipating. It didn’t feel like what I said was a rebuttal to his argument. They just felt like answers I had come to know by working on myself. Anything he was going to say wouldn’t shake my belief.

“That’s a lot of puritan nonsense coming from someone who was moments away from killing me, and although I admire the conflicting duality in your new-found life perspective. Tell me one thing Chidinma, Mrs Chidinma, how does your new-found outlook on life feel about murdering someone who has spent the last five years creating scholarships and helping those in need”

“You’re doing what?”

“I’m paying my dues Chidinma, I’m washing away my sins with the blood I’ve spilled. I told you Chidinma, I’m a changed man”.

I realised I’d been wrong all along. I finally understood why Luther was so adamant that I stayed away from him. It wasn’t human, in fact, I found it hard to believe if it had ever been human. Over the past five years it had gone about creating a new identity for itself as if the old one never existed. I finally accepted that there was nothing I could say, there was nothing anyone could say, that would make sense of what was going on within it.

I thought about killing it. But it wouldn’t have meant much. I had initially only seen it as something evil, and now it was a thing that had done evil but was now trying to do good. I felt like wasn’t my place to carry out judgement on it because it hadn’t harmed anyone I cared about. I had just been unfortunate to cross paths with it in the first place.

I rose up from Ade’s chest and began walking out of the door. “I don’t know what made you this way Ade, I don’t pity you but now that I have gained some understanding, I can’t bring myself to hate you. All I know is, I pray I never have anything to do with you again.”

The co-speaker rushed in to help Ade get back to his feet. While I bolted back to the airport and into my home with my husband waiting for me. On my way to the airport, I realised that even though it was trying to do good, it still needed to face the consequences of the wrong it had done. Although I wasn’t in any position to deliver that judgement, I knew someone who was. “Hello Luther? There’s something you might want to know”

Two weeks after that phone call, there was a news broadcast about how a john doe had been hung from a ceiling fan and burnt alive. The neck had snapped from his weight and the victim’s teeth were removed so identification was made impossible. The suspect apparently began stomping on the bones of the victim afterwards. It was an extreme act of violence and aggression but there were no persons of interest available for questioning. It started looking like a cold case because the suspect knew what he was doing. A couple minutes after the broadcast Luther called me and all he said was “Thanks kid. From me and Shayla”.